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CHAPTER I
FIRST SYMPTOMS
Anders was so tired.
They just finished fighting some slavers or some other unpleasant inhabitants of the Wounded Coast, when he felt it hitting him like a hammer. The bone deep exhaustion born from hours upon hours of cleaning and bandaging wounds, and healing the injuries that could and needed to be mended with magic, as the other methods would be just simply insufficient, too risky, or end in the patient’s long and painful death if not treated then and there.
It caught him off guard to the point that he visibly stumbled and would have fallen on his knees and palms to the ground if he didn’t manage to use his staff to support himself until the feeling became a little less prominent and allowed him to actually stand upright.
He didn’t know how long he will be able to keep it up, though.
He had more and more things that needed to be done, and less and less time and energy to actually complete any of them. On top of being the full time Darktown healer, he also had Mage Underground to worry about every now and then, and more frequently than that Hawke’s little treks up and down the city or outside either on the coast or in the mountains.
Sometimes he wondered how did he manage to do it for so long without any issue.
Was it Justice’s influence? Was it his own determination to be useful to the only person that showed him care and compassion in this cruel world, besides of course Varric and Isabela?
Was he truly so hopelessly in love with Hawke that he would keep up this mad pace for so long? He couldn’t really put it past himself, but something was definitely not right. Was it just a burnout effect that he was feeling now, due to barely any time for proper rest in between of all of his numerous responsibilities, or was his age finally catching up to him at last?
If any of those were true, then it was probably good that he was not invited to the trip to the Sundermount that Hawke was planning next. He would probably just become a dead weight, and he really didn’t want to burden Aregor even more than he already did.
Who said that there were no little mercies for him after all? He will finally have enough time to rest, and hopefully Hawke would not even notice there was any issue in the first place.
***
“Why are we even visiting the clinic?” asked Sebastian, hastily avoiding the puddle of something he would rather not investigate too closely. “You don’t even like Anders, so why the sudden care? I bet he is right as a rain, doing whatever vile things he is doing there”.
Fenris sighed, once again thinking that he should bring Sebastian here more often. He may not like Anders and actively disagree with everything that the man said, but despite being a dangerous abomination on the loose, Fenris knew that Anders did only good for the people of Darktown. That there were no vile blood magic rituals, or any conspiracy going on there. Just a place of healing for all that were ignored and discarded by the society and its Chantry. Sebastian did know that Sisters were not visiting Darktown. He even commented on it a few times when they were here, so it wouldn’t be hard to show him that where the Chantry failed, people like Anders did something good and asked nothing in return. Not even the donations he received from people of Lowtown, Hawke, and his grateful patients when they could share.
“Mage was behaving strangely during the last few missions with Hawke, so before Aregor, Merrill, Aveline and Isabela left for the Sundermount, I was asked to check on him once in a while” answered Fenris. He was not happy about the task that was given to him, but he knew it was important, so he was not complaining. “Hawke was worried about him, that’s all I need”.
“You don’t seem eager” commented the prince, to which Fenris responded with a shrug.
He was not, as talking to Anders was always such a chore, but he was willing to sacrifice his good mood and a bit of time to ensure that Hawke would not have to worry too much and in consequence hurt himself during the trip. Maker knew what they will encounter there.
“Is his work here truly that exhausting?” asked Sebastian curiously, looking around for the patients and seeing nobody. They were already pretty close, so it was peculiar that there was nobody around, no stragglers loitering close to the clinic’s doors waiting for their turn, no queue, nothing.
“Usually there are a few people. I am not familiar with how busy the clinic is exactly in the long term, or how it could be if something unexpected happened, but he is usually busy”.
“You said you noticed him stumbling?” Fenris only nodded at that in confirmation. “I saw it too. He nearly had fallen on the last errant we had together. There were a lot of slavers on the coast, so we run into a few groups one after another. He seemed more and more tired after each battle we had that day. More than normal I would say, as usually he was less tired than me, which I always kind of assumed was due to his Grey Warden enhanced stamina”.
Sebastian seemed to contemplate what he just said. Fenris was too. It was true that the mage was more tired and less robust recently. The fact that he noticed was a proof enough.
“That’s why we are checking on him. I might despise what he stands for, but if something happens to him, we will be short of a healer, and not having access to proper treatment can be far more dangerous in a city as corrupt and full of crime like Kirkwall”.
Fenris didn’t say more, because the very thought that he was doing it out of his own worry instead of the clear pragmatism was absurd, and he tried to bury it very deep until it perished. He noticed that Anders was lacking energy recently, but didn’t think more about it until Hawke brought it up, all concerned about Anders’ well-being. It surely must be mage’s fault in some way. Poor sleep management or spending too much time over his ridiculous manifesto.
“Well… then I hope we will meet his snappy asshole self, because then at least we will be sure that he is alright and nothing is amiss”.
Fenris couldn’t agree more. He never would have thought that he will feel uneasy with Anders all calm and quiet. Not at all responsive to any jab he may indirectly aim at him while sharing his opinion during the quests they went on, but if it meant something was truly wrong, he would rather prefer the anger and yelling or a whole tirade about mage rights than whatever they may find when they arrive at the clinic… that for some reason seemed to be closed today.
“Did he say he will be out today, or…” asked Sebastian inspecting the locked door.
“No. Usually the clinic is open during this hour” responded Fenris, looking at the darkened lamp near them that usually indicated if Healer of Darktown was taking patients, and then at the people around. There was nobody waiting there, just like they noticed previously.
Sebastian knocked on the door and waited, but there was no response, then looked at Fenris and shrugged. Could it be that the clinic was truly closed today? Was Anders busy with something else?
“We should ask one of the locals. They will know if mage went somewhere” he decided, and then they moved quickly up the closest stairs to find someone they could ask. Not far away they stumbled upon a young boy, whom Fenris recognized as one of the helpers at the clinic.
They stopped in front of his cot and leveled themselves to be crouching in front of him. Both for the convenience during the conversation and also to not threaten the poor boy. The kid looked at them suspiciously, and even the sight of the golden coin didn’t change that. Varric and Hawke said something about people of Darktown being fiercely protective of their Healer, but he never thought before that even a golden coin would be far less valuable than having Anders around. Well, he should have known. He said so himself. Not having access to a decent treatment was dangerous if not outright deadly in Kirkwall, so it made sense.
“We may not look like it, but we didn’t come here to take away your Healer. We are Hawke’s companions, and we wanted to know if the Healer said he had any business to attend to today?” asked Fenris carefully, trying not to give the boy any more reason to mistrust them.
“We noticed that the clinic was closed, but he didn’t say anything about it last time we saw each other” added Sebastian helpfully. “You don’t have to say when or where”.
The kid measured them both as if judging if they were lying, but then after a few moments of intense staring he took the coin from Fenris, sniffed, and said “Healer didn’t open the clinic. We all thought that he just went away with Messere Hawke, as we usually do, when clinic is closed. So either you are both lying about being his companions, or he truly didn’t leave”.
Fenris and Sebastian looked at each other, and then at the boy.
“Did any of you saw him leaving?” asked Sebastian.
“No, but we assumed that he may have left early, when nobody was up yet to see him leave, and go through the cellar”. Well, that was at least something.
“Thank you, we will check if he used it”.
They both quickly backtracked and climbed through the cellar to the Amell estate, where they met Bodahn and Sandal, already busy even though Hawke was not around.
“Ah, messere Fenris and messere Sebastian! How can I help you today?”
“Did Anders by any chance used the cellar today?”
“No, messere Sebastian. The cellar entrance is usually closed during the night from this side, and I open it every morning just in case serrah Anders needed to use it. That is the arrangement between him and messere Hawke, that at night the cellar is only open on the Darktown side, in case there was some emergency and serrah Anders needed to hide. The doors on Amell estate side are to be opened only if serrah Anders gives a clear sign”.
Fenris never thought about this, but that seemed reasonable. If the entrance was open at all times, it posed a risk to Hawke. There were dangerous people at night that could accidentally find the entrance and go all the way to Amell estate, and if not kill Hawke, then at least rob him blind. Better to avoid tempting fate like this. But if this was true it meant that Anders was not seen leaving the clinic, and didn’t come here, which meant that…
“He is still in the clinic” said Fenris, suddenly full of worry.
“That’s… but why he would not respond?” tried Sebastian, to no avail. He also was concerned now. Despite his clear mistrust of Anders in general, he seemed to care just a bit.
Fenris didn’t respond and run down the cellar tunnel back to Darktown.
“Thank you for your help, Bodahn!” yelled Sebastian, while running after his friend.
After a few minutes, they found themselves upon the clinic's door again.
“Can you open it without damaging the lock?”
“I can try. But still, why didn’t he open the door if he was there?”
“Maybe he couldn’t” said Fenris quickly.
“Or maybe he was just making fun of us for trying to keep tabs on him” replied Sebastian, while fiddling with the lock, but he didn’t seem convinced. If Anders was there, he would surely open the clinic by now, if not for them then for the patients, both of them knew that. This knowledge, however, wasn’t helping with the matter at hand.
“Done!” Both of them rushed into the room.
Everything around looked normal. Peaceful. As if nothing unusual happened. They went around the main room looking for Anders, but didn’t see him until finally, at the very back of the room, Fenris spotted a shadow on the ground. “There!”
Fenris was there first, and surely they have found Anders, lying unconscious on the ground, his breaths calm and shallow. He would look as if he was sleeping if not for his pale face. Fenris put a hand on his forehead, but there was no heat, and no sweat either.
“What do you think happened to him?” asked Sebastian, hovering behind.
“I am not a healer, but I will try to check. Help me put him on the closest cot” he replied, and soon they heaved Anders’ surprisingly heavy body for how little he seemed to eat up, and laid him carefully on the cot, where Fenris would be able to look more closely at him.
“I am not sure, but it looks like overwork was the cause” said Fenris after a few minutes of diligent inspection, while checking the pulse and iris reaction just to be sure.
“How do you know?” inquired Sebastian.
“He clearly slept, as there are no dark shadows under his eyes, so he didn’t pass out from lack of it. However, now when he is sleeping, I can hear that his resting heart rate is higher than it should be. Other than this, we both saw him stumbling, but beyond that, when he wasn’t surprisingly quiet he was more distracted and irritated than usual lately. Prolonged bad mood is also a sign of overwork”.
Sebastian nodded as if to agree it was all true. “Should we wait till he wakes up?”
Fenris looked at Anders, still unsure if his diagnosis was correct. If it was truly just overwork catching up with the mage, wouldn’t Justice step in and wake him up by now?
“That would be best. He is alone and vulnerable now, and I would rather not leave it to chance that he won’t wake up at all if we leave or someone will break into the clinic”.
They waited an hour, maybe two, before Anders finally stirred and groaned, signalling that he is in fact still alive. Fenris moved closer to help him sit up straight, while Sebastian went to prepare some herbs to drink for the mage.
“Ugh… Fenris? What are you doing here?”
There was a slur in the mage’s voice that Fenris really didn’t like.
“We came to check up on you and found you passed out on the floor” replied Fenris, before moving aside, so Sebastian could provide Anders with the steaming mug of herbal tea. Mage looked at the drink, and then at them confused, but accepted the mug and drank from it.
“How are you feeling?” asked the prince curiously.
“As if I was hit by a bronto, or stomped at by a drake… how long was I out?”
“We came around noon, so it should be past 2PM now”.
Anders groaned in frustration. “I remember waking up at the usual hour, and then when I was preparing to open the clinic, suddenly the world tilted and then…” he shrugged.
“Do you know what caused this?”
Anders sighed. “If I were to guess, I would bet I was too exhausted and my body just gave out, as overwork is something that cannot be just pushed away with one or several good night's sleep”.
Fenris nodded at that, even though he still thought that something was not right here. He didn’t think that Anders was lying, but the fact that Justice didn’t make an appearance just to at least put his mage back in bed instead of leave him on the cold ground for the most part of the day, didn’t sit right with him. He didn’t know if that was common, but he assumed that if Anders was unable to move, Justice would take over the body in his place. Which was a little disturbing if he really thought about it, and also the reason why he didn’t mention it out loud. He didn’t want Sebastian to mistrust the mage even more. Even Fenris, who expressed healthy wariness of mages, was reluctant to see Justice as a threat to the clinic that he wanted to protect, but Sebastian saw this issue differently, so he decided not to risk it.
“Will you be alright now?” asked Fenris, earning himself a raised brow from both Anders and Sebastian. He should really try to sound less worried and more like his usual self, especially considering that he didn’t even know why he was fussing over the mage like this.
“Yes, don’t worry about me” said Anders, smirking at him, which was actually a pretty good incentive to make him stop caring at all if he did. But he did not. Fenris scowled at him in return.
“Fine. We will be going back then” he rose to his feet and headed outside. “Try to not drop dead while at it”. Sebastian huffed in amusement at his sudden change in attitude, and then went after him, saying at the end. “Your patients and we as well need you alive”.
***
Anders’ should have known that nothing can end well for him.
He thought that he will have time to rest, which was true, but hoping that Hawke will not notice that anything is wrong was apparently beyond his measly luck, considering that he sent Fenris and Sebastian to check on him, when he was away. Figures.
Anders sighed and stared into his tea.
He told Fenris that it was exhaustion, but he was not so sure himself. Something odd was happening. Normally, if he lost consciousness like that, Justice would react in some way. He often didn’t understand that Anders needed to rest, so it was common for him to just wake Anders up whenever he was knocked up. Could it be that Justice realized that Anders needed to be left alone and that’s why he didn’t appear? It was possible, considering the fact that he was found on the floor. Justice didn’t have a body before Kristoff, and Kristoff was dead so his body’s ability to feel was also damaged, hence why Justice didn’t need to eat, sleep, or even just lie down on something comfortable simply because he wanted to. He could now feel a bit of that through Anders, but he still didn’t see it as necessary for rest, which his body will probably keep reminding him off for the next few days.
A thought to berate the spirit for this arose in his mind, but there was no responding stir that he grew to associate with Justice. The feeling that he knew was his, but yet wasn’t. Usually when they communicated, it was without words. Justice had a hard time relaying his will in a body that had a will of its own like a living body instead of a corpse he inhabited previously, so his responses were mostly stirs of feelings that Anders needed to learn to distinguish from his own, and now it was easier for him to see when spirit was responding and when not.
It was however unexpected that Justice didn’t raise to his bait. Did something happen? He searched his mind looking for something, the most fickle of feelings that may have been Justice, and soon he found only a small feeling of reassurance responding to his probing for answers, but nothing concrete. What was Justice doing that his response was something that Anders could roughly translate to “It will be ok?”. That really didn’t help him not to worry!
He sighed again, this time in frustration, then finished his tea, and opened the clinic.
Hopefully whatever is wrong with him will pass soon. He didn’t like the idea of dealing with Hawke and his overprotectiveness. Knowing him, Aregor would find a way to insert himself into his life and force him to stop doing anything until they learned what was happening.
Anders didn’t have time for something like this. He had a revolution to plan.
And he really didn’t need any handsome men to hinder him.
~***~
I seriously wondered if making Fenris and Sebastian run around Darktown
frantically isn't a bit too much, but in the end I decided to leave it,
because they may dislike Anders, but he is their only healer and if
something happened, and they did nothing it'd be bad. Not to mention
that Fenris is already interested in Anders, he is just in denial about
it. Sebastian is a good friend that will run around with you if needed.
As you can see, I'm also fanoning the Clinic a bit, because in the
clinic in the game they would probably spot him outright. Let's just say
there were obstacles on the way that made them not see him at first.
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